no more wedding

For as long as I can remember I have been pretty much planning my wedding day, like most young girls. I knew at a very young age that I wanted to get married and have a few kids, have the whole "hunny i'm home" and white picket fence kinda deal.

Dating is a process you should be with someone until you know the ins and outs of each other. You shouldn't take that next step so lightly, its something that should be sacred.

But as for me now, I guess things change, dreams change. Yes I still want the someone to come home to and the kids and the happy home, but I have given up on the whole marriage idea.

First- why do people need a piece of paper to prove that they love each other and want to be with each other for the "rest of their lives"?

Second- Who wants to really be a part of something that fails more often than it succedes?

I guess I have become a little jaded about marriage, I have seen too many fail to want to be a part of something like that. I have already failed at too many things in my life, that I don't even want to rick the chance of adding a marriage to that or 2 or 3 like so many people do these days.

I always said when I get married it will be my one and only marriage, but clearly no one goes into a marriage thinking this will fail. But they do go in now thinking "if this doesn't work, there's always divorce". Divorce used to be something that just wasn't accepted by society, it was an embarrassment, now it is so accepted that it really deosn't mean anything anymore.

People use marriage- they use if for money, sometimes they use is as a way to make what they are doing feel right. For instance if you are religious you have typically been raised to wait to have sex till you're married, and if you do it before marriage its a sin right? Well now days people use it to make them feel right about having sex as opposed to really absolutely, completely, being 100% in love with the person they are with. Some people get married just cuz they feel its the next step or the right thing to do. It like staying with someone cuz you "feel bad"!!! Thats not a reason to be with someone, you should be with someone cuz you love them unconditionally, not to prove something, not to make you feel right or good, not for money.

Marriage vows use to mean something sacred and it was devistating if things didn't work out, but now it just like breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend so casual you may as well brign it up at a family dinner. "yeah the kids are doing great in school, my job is working out really well, and oh by the way we're getting a divorce, so how are you doing?" it just doesn't seem to mean as much to someone these days and its so sad.

It is painful to see someone you love go through a divorce because you watched them as they were so happy and promised to love and cherish each other for the rest of their lives. but really they meant i promise to love and cherish you until i don't feel like doing it anymore, who knows when that will be...

So why can't you be with someone you love and cherish for the rest of your life with out the paper? I mean a lot of celebs are doing it now, look at angelina jolie and brad pitt they have a family and a home together and yet they don't share the same last name, and look they are apparently going through some rocky times right now and if it doesnt work out they don't have a messy divorce battle. They don't have to put that added stress on the million children they have, do you know how hard it is to go through a parents divorce? I sure do and I would never want to put that on my children. Or Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alves they also aren't married and have a baby and are expecting another soon. the thing is your children can still know both parent even if they aren't married. You can spend the rest of your lives together, but why do you have to put on a show in front of everyone to prove it. Because in the end if it doesn't work, which these days it most likely won't, you don't have the embarassment of saying your vows in front of all your friends and family and then bam breakign those with a divorce.

I believe you can have the happy home and the white picket fence, even the "hunny i'm home" with out the whole marriage thing, without the whole wedding extravaganza. If you want to be with someone forever there is nothing stopping you, there is nothing that say marriage is the only way to do that. So why put you and the person you love through that, through the stress of planning a wedding, through the financial burdden of planning a wedding. Use that money that you could have put to a wedding to an amazing getaway for the 2 of you.

I have seen too many marriages fail to want to chance adding it to my list of failures. So my little girl dreams of a big beautiful wedding were shattered and spending the rest of my life with someone may be a little jaded right now, but I still believe it can happen, it just doesn't require a big event to prove it. This way if I end up being one of those couples that doesn't make it I wont be thrown into that divorce statistic either! Marriage isn't always the next step, it isn't always the right thing to do.

tired of trying

So I am extremely tired of trying to live up to someone else's expectations. All my life I have tried to be perfect for other people, I have hidden who I really am from everyone who knows me.

I feel like I have been walking on egg shells with the people who are closest to me. And I felt I had to get away from the life I lead. Even my own family judged every move I made and it was time to get out.

So here I am 3000 miles away and finally coming out of the shell I have been living in for 21 years, doing my own thing and living my own life without the restrictions of the people that "love" me. Yes I believe they don't do and say the things to be malicious, but it is so stressful trying to live up to what they wanted me to be. So finally out of my shell... And still from all the way across the country they are trying to control how I live.

I am 22 years old, and trying to brave the world that I was so sheltered from all my life, and it is still so hard because I have people judging me from so far away.

They need to get their own life and let me live mine the way I want to live it. I know the risks I take and am clearly willing to take them on my own!

how much did it mean

I am a very open person I don't mind people knowing whats going on, i feel like if people know how i really am then they dont have to make up stories about me. I will pretty much share anything and everything...

that being said though I keep the things that matter the quietest. the relationships i cherish and that mean something to me i keep quiet until it gets to the point where i want to stand on a roof top and tell everyone how much you mean to me.

hmm... i guess that goes to show how much the last few guys have meant.

its all just something i have noticed about myself, its something that i guess has always been kind of in my subconscious until now. i have really taken a step back and looked at my life. i want to know why someone could possibly say that i am not worth it, when i would do anything and pretty much put up with anything for someone i care about.

Breaking up

why does breaking up have to be "awkward"? it happens and its ok. you were friends before right so why can't you be friends after? yes there were those different feelings but it is still someone you cared about before you were together, while you were together and even after you break up. there might be that period after the break up where its a little hard because you want to be the people you were when you were together, but eventually you realize that you can't do those things anymore and you get over it.

When we were together, at the end of a long night of drinking he would come cuddle up to me and i would tickle the back of his neck and he would fall asleep on me. I came to expect that to be how the night ended. well a couple nights after the break up, we were at a friends house drinking having a good time. as the night was dying down he was sitting across the room being picked on and harassed by all his friends like usual, and even though it had gone through that we were not together anymore i still wanted to go over there and just tickle the back of his neck and let him fall asleep on me. but i also realized that wasnt going to happen anymore. it wasn't awkward for me it was just reality.

for me the 2 weeks we spent away from each other after was just what i needed. it gave me the time to get over what i needed to get over. and when i walked in and saw him for the first time when i got back it was no where near uncomfortable for me, so why did he have to make i"awkward" for him. we didn't speak, which wasn't anything different from when we were together.

i feel like when you break up with someone there will be that short period after that might be uncomfortable, but then you take the time to move on. for me moving on doesn't mean i dont think about him a lot, doesnt mean i dont want him to be happy, doesn't mean i dont care about him anymore, it means that i care about him in a different way and i have come to terms with the break up. yes we know each other in a different way then i know the other male friends in my life, but it doesnt mean that we cant go back to being the friends we were before. it doesnt mean we have to go our seperate ways and our friends have to choose who they want to spend time with today, or tomorrow. we can be civil!

there is not one guy that i have dated that i am not friends with now. they know me so well and therefore they are the ones who can be there the next time you get your heart broken because they just might be able to be the friend that can make you feel better.

everyone will get hurt at some point in their life, you cant be afraid to know the people you have been with. i have love and lost, but i know i will love again.

my tattoos!

"Every time I get a tattoo, it's a little fuck-you to anyone who tells me not to." -Megan Fox

I, despite the pain, enjoy the process of getting a tattoo, its a symbol of who you are and a way to express a meaning or an emotion.

I got my first tattoo when I turned 18, kind of like a right of passage.

Its the trinity symbol on my lower back. Yes I know it is odd to have a religious tattoo as what most call a "tramp stamp". I wanted it somewhere I could cover up, but at times could still be visible. It has meaning, I am a christian and it represents my faith in "the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit"



At the same time I got my trinity I also chose to get something on my left wrist. Just very simple, light, and for me mostly. I got the christian fish symbol. It is real not henna just done in brown ink. When I tan it is almost invisible. But I got it to remind me the God will help me trough anything and every time I wanted to take a blade to my wrist I knew God was watching over me and guiding me. It goes over some of the scars from a life that seems so far away now.



My next tattoo is the breast cancer ribbon on my right wrist. I got this tattoo because the day I moved 3000 miles away from home my great aunt died. I never took the time while I was home to say goodbye and it made me realize what we take for granted in life. My aunt was an amazing woman and even through the toughest of times she kept a smile on her face. It is also a little reminder of my grandma, who made it through breast cancer.




And now for the big one... I got a sparrow, three lilies, a few nautical stars and some bike dust. This is all on my life shoulder. I chose to get something larger and colored because it is a representation of who I am. I am a girly girl, a good girl, but I have my little rebellious side like everyone else. I just never chose to chow it until now. I didn't walk into a tattoo parlor and pick something out of a book or off the wall. I wanted something custom, just for me, that though some may try to duplicate, it will never be like mine. It is a piece of art that was made just for me. The colors are so bright and vivid, when I look down at it I can't help but smile becasue it is so vibrant. I may not have looked tough before, but I think this new tattoo has changed people's view of me!


And last but not least (for now anyways) my right side. I got the saying "La Bella Vita" written in script. It means "The Beautiful Life" This one is also covering up a couple scars from a loooong time ago. This one is another one that is for me, can only be seen by others in a swimsuit. But every time I look in the mirror, every time I get out of the shower I know that I can put the bad behind me and let the beautiful shine through.


I will continue to get more tattoos as I find meaning for them. I already have plans for 3 more!!!